Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
