i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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