I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
