How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my shit smells like andre
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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