I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize