I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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