Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
