Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
