He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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