The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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