Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
