I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
