on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just invented taco cereal.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
