i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
