We're facebook friends in real life
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
