So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
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