We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize