you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
