So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
