I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
did you just send me my own nude
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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