I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
