New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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