I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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