"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
