I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize