I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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