my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
