I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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