i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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