I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
