btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
