My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
