Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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