Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
