Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
