so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize