I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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