I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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