and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
