You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
