sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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