I like my sex mixed with concussions.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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