I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
