listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
