Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize