I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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