Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
