oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
