A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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