there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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