i'm signing you up for texting rehab
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
