Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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