obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
