So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
