Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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