What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
