It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
