you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
