laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
