I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
