just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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