Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Pooping to opera.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize