"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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