"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
